SRC Member Race Reports – August 2018

The following is a transcript from the Press Conference following the Beast of Big Creek Trail Race, held in Hoodsport Washington on August 4th, 2018.

Max Ferguson: Thank you all for coming, I’d like to share a short written message and following we can have a Q and A session for all in attendance.

Transcriptionist note: there are 24 empty folding chairs in a seemingly random campsite at the Big Creek Campground. Max has set up a podium he brought himself complete with a name plate. At the time of “beginning” this “Press Conference” there appears to be one lone person occupying the two dozen chairs available.

MF: Firstly I want to thank my parents without whom none of this would be possible. Their years of dedicated frugality forced me to spend many days wandering aimlessly in the wooded areas of the Cascade mountain range and the sprawling forgettable suburbs of unincorporated King County. This wandering skill I found critical in my athletic endeavors later in life. Not necessarily in high school. Or in college. Or even after college, now that I think about it. But a shit-load later in life. Right about the time I was missing my athletic prime, and had maybe one good year left in the ‘ol kickers. Yes, that’s when that childhood aimlessness kicked in.

I also want to thank the many fans in attendance today. I know that races such as UTMB receive far more gushing oration over their raucous all day fan brigade. But for my money, the homegrown ones here are the absolute best.

Finally, Id like to thank Keith Laverty for letting me borrow his watch today, and my greatest of apologies to his wife Elisa for being unable to “snag some of those fiery hot KOM monster vert climbs” for his Strava account.

With that being said, I’m more than happy to answer some questions from the gathered media presence we have here.

Note: There is no possible way the now 3 people sitting in the 24 available chairs is official media. One of these people simply appears to be a tired hiker who cannot find her parked vehicle. Also in ‘attendance’ is an unattended child consuming an entire roll of fruit by the foot and drawing frantically in a book.

Lost Hiker: I saw you running down that very narrow steep section with all the loose rock! I tried my best to move out of the way, but you still nearly knocked me off the trail coming past. Was that completely necessary?

MF: I’m afraid it may have been ma’m. I was in hot pursuit of some “gnarly AF descending Strava segs” and needed to test out all the running skills that slow motion footage from Salomon TV can teach an over the hill athlete such as myself.

LH: Well, you clearly could have just tried being safer, this is a public trail.

MF: Danger is my middle name.

Note: Max now puts on a pair of sunglasses. There is an audible groan from the now growing crowd of rather annoyed hikers.

MF: You there with the backpack and the “Short girls rule” tee shirt.

Note: Max points to a host of hikers annoyed by his trail maneuvering antics, one of whom has hand raised.

Annoyed Hiker #2: Did you at least have fun out there?

MF: I had an absolute blast. This is by far one of the great events in the Pacific Northwest that no one knows about. This race always puts a big smile on your face. Never immediately after, but like 2-3 days later, you’re smiling.

AH#2: It seems preposterously dangerous, who would you possibly recommend this race to? I see multiple people fell this year alone!

MF: I think the real question is not who should do this race, but only to weed out those who absolutely should not.

AH#2: Soo…who shouldn’t? Sane people?

MF: Well, hobby horses would find commiting to the entire event difficult. Self-identified triathletes would have issue not being able to legally purchase a ride to the upper trailhead. Politicians would have difficulty expending any effort to either climbing or descending the mountain based on the current media narrative being dissected at the time. Children under the age of 5 are much too small and weak, which is no good. Children over the age of 7 have too many wits about them, also not a skill-set necessary here at Mt. Ellinor. Classic rock DJs are forever living in the past and would be continuously talking about how ‘mountain races USED to be much more extreme…’

AH#2: Those all sound excruciatingly specific. These sentiments have clearly been brewing under the surface for quite some time.

MF: …Also! People infatuated with buckles, and who presumably have ill-fitting pants. This may not be your cup of tea as I’d recommend well-fitting clothing, and no clothing adapters are provided for finishing.

AH#2: So what do the finishers get?

MF: I know there are some sweet socks up for grabs and a stuffed animal of rotating species is handed out to the top men and women.

AH#2: The men and women both run the same distance right?

MF: Yes both men and women get to equally risk major injury racing headlong down a boulder field from the top of a 5900 foot mountain. Both receive the same trophy and equal shot at respective ascent and round trip records.

AH#2: So, how long is the race?

MF: That reminds me! People who need to know how long a race is should not do this race. This race is kinda a half marathon, but it’s most certainly not.

AH#2: So, it’s shorter?

MF: No.

Annoyed Hiker’s Extremely Tall Husband: So, it’s longer?

MF: Well, it could be.

AHETH: This man is an idiot.

MF: Idiots! They should also very much think twice about doing this race. You kinda have to have your head on a swivel on this race. Idiots most certainly are probably a net negative in this racing environment. Which reminds me, people who purchase individual tickets to Dave Matthews Band concerts. Not sure racing full speed down a mountain is up your alley–this isn’t the 7.5 minute rhythmically-beige saxophone solo of descents.

Note: There is a smattering of applause on this particular point.

AHETH: Aside from verbalizing your own insecurities, was there any point to this random gathering? Were there any amazing performances in the race aside from your own self congratulations?

MF: Hmmmmm, there was a 59 year dude wearing Wal Mart specials and tattered shorts that threw down an ass whipping on some youngsters. That was pretty neat.

AH#2: So how are you going to celebrate this run today?

MF: I’m most certainly going to have some finish line beer.

AHETH: Ohhh, do they have an IPA?

MF: Thankfully…no.

Note Surprisingly, the annoyed short female hiker with the shirt from Hot Topic circa 2008 is nodding in agreement.

AHETH: But I like IPAs, what’s wrong with an IPA?

Note: His wife is visibly ashamed of her husband’s poor taste in beer.

MF: I dunno, I guess the last thing I want to drink after turning my legs and feet into hamburger is a beer brewed solely for the purpose of attacking your mouth with reckless and near tasteless abandon. I appreciate that they brought beer to a finish line that is…ya know…drinkable.

AHETH: I guess that’s a fitting response for a man whose initials stand for –

MF: OKAY, I think that’s all the time I have, I’ll see you all again next year!