Once a month (lol) we’d like to showcase the races for members courageous enough to spend a few minutes filling out a Google Form, and until we get that sick shout-out from the CEO himself on Twitter or, preferably, Instagram®, we will *NOT* promote Run Gum!
Winners, losers, and everyone in between (even you Masters runners!), I wanna hear your tales! Your submission can be as brief, or *long* as you’d like! Better believe I’m deleting any references to Run Gum though!
Are you racing in May? Cougar? Probably! (No Run Gum at Cougar aid stations, I can assure you) Here’s an incomplete list of “races” I accept:
- Real races! (road, track, trail, relays, obstacle courses, chasing that teen around the track after his friend Todd dared you to race him)
- Not really races(?) (stair climbs for cancer research, color runs, certain Mario Kart levels)
- Strava CRs! (no bikes)
- Strava CR attempts! (definitely no bikes)
In order to increase the rate of submissions from its current rate of 0.2 per month, I’d like to offer the following perks to reporters!*
- I’ll go with you to the nearest QFC and buy you a 6 pack of Leinenkugel.
- I’ll go with you to the nearest QFC and you can see what happens when I offer to buy a random #teen a 6 pack of Leinenkugel.
- We’ll go to the nearest Target and I’ll ask the nearest non-male cashier if they have “condoms for virgins” and if so “I’ll buy 3.”
- I’ll email Ginger Runner over and over until he agrees to check out my Pliny The Elder bottle collection and do a Shoeless Joe interview.
- I’ll race in my favorite Big Dogs shirt at whatever the next Rainshadow Running race I’m allowed to enter the lottery for.
*Perks will not be honored
Let’s hand it off to APRIL 2019’s ruthless & rabid reporters, starting off with a familiar face!
🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻
“Big” Joe Creighton
Member #: 1029
Race name: Horse Butte 10 Mile
When was this race? 4/07/19
How did you place?! Who cares, I beat Evan Williams*
Race website: results
*Your* website URL: boyz.exposed
Race report:
TBH I mostly only agreed to join Stefan Redfield and Evan Williams at this race in Central Oregon as I wanted to see Max King’s calf vasculature up close and in person.
My dad mailed me a birthday check, but it bounced, so when my mom wired me my birthday money a few days later, I signed up and found a pair of 1991 Guns & Roses Tour denim shorts to rock. The race sort or requires it of anyone running semi-seriously to wear denim since the inevitable winner every year (King) cosplays as a roided-up Al Borlan in shorts and Salomons. I’m going to wear my full Nike kit that I got on clearance at Big 5 and lose to King by four and half minutes instead of five minutes in daisy dukes? Nahhhhh.
(Shows clerk at Goodwill my handful of denim shorts made for 14 year old girls)
“I’d like to use the change room, please. Also do you guys sell Monster Energy?”Ten miles and a breakfast of four (4) bananas later, I finished 4th place, seconds behind Stefan’s college friend who wore the (orange 😒) Nike kit he got from Big 5 and somehow still managed to have a wife, so I maintained 3rd overall in the Denim Division.
A few minutes after finishing, the race director congratulated me on being the first Masters finisher.
*Evan raced in full length jeans
Did iRunFar interview you before or after the race?: No
Race image(s):
Martin Criminale
Member #: 1348
Race name: REVEL Mt Charleston Marathon
When was this race? 4/27/19
How did you place?! I won
Race website: runrevel.com/rmc
*Your* website URL: martin.criminale.com
Race report:
This is a downhill course and is all about qualifying for Boston. The first half descends, the second half is mostly flat with some short climbs in the last five miles. I started out feeling great! Doesn’t everyone in a downhill road race? But when I hit a hill at mile 22 the wheels came off. Luckily I had enough time in the bank to win my age group and I got a marathon PR. This is a VERY well supported event, there are aid stations every two miles and they all appeared to have toilets. The finish line expo is also pretty good with everyone getting one free beer, piece of pizza, and slice of pie. They also had towels soaked in cold water! That felt heavenly after running the Las Vegas heat.
Did iRunFar interview you before or after the race?: No
Race image(s):
Shoeless Joe Sez!
“This is a downhill course and is all about qualifying for Boston.”
Did Rufus make it this time?!
“The finish line expo is also pretty good with everyone getting one free beer, piece of pizza, and slice of pie.”
Is this was the Seattle Marathon, the halfers would have walked off with an average of 4 beers (Red Hook oh yeah!!) & pizza+pie slices apiece, leaving you marathoners with one warm milk, one cup of limp celery, and one dixie cup of raisins apiece.
“They also had towels soaked in cold water!”
We marathoning in a Mad Max society now? How is “cold water” getting a shout out in a race report?
“(nothing about experiencing Carrot Top’s act at Luxor)”
I know I’m asking for “race reports” but in my mind, the true race experience isn’t relegated merely to between the start gun and finish line; it’s also about describing at length Carrot Top’s set at the Luxor later than evening! *Most* marathoners hit a hill around mile 22 and the wheels fall off, but how many can describe witnessing a yoked Carrot Top pulling his latest wacky inventions out of a steamer trunk a mere 12 hours later?!
Marlene Farrell
Member #: 1155
Race name: Horse Lake 25k Trail race and Sunflower Trail Marathon
When was this race? 4/27 (Horse Lake) and 5/4 (Sunflower)
How did you place?! 2nd woman, 1st master’s at Horse Lake and 3rd woman, 1st Master’s at Sunflower.
Race website: Horse Lake
Sunflower
Race report:
Horse Lake had crazy winds (over 30mph) and hail. I’m proud of my result at Sunflower because I really wasn’t recovered from Horse Lake and I made the poor decision of wearing new shoes which made my feet feel like they were on fire. But I loved the wildflowers, as always, at both of these races.
Did iRunFar interview you before or after the race?: No
Shoeless Joe Sez!
“I made the poor decision of wearing new shoes which made my feet feel like they were on fire.”
You know, I know no one thinks Vibram makes shoes anymore, but they–hold on, let me check…Ok yeah they still make shoes and let me assure you they no longer pay me to pimp them out, but the airflow you get from some of their models can be, with the right post-purchase adjustments made using a sharp knife or pair of scissors, marginally better than some of these “fancy” or “cool” shoes you can still purchase at actual brick & mortar shops.
Keep a spot open at the Cool Masters Table for me, Marlene! I’m on my way!
