Once a month we’d like to showcase the races for members courageous enough to spend a few minutes filling out a Google Form, and until we get that sick shout-out from the CEO himself on Twitter or, preferably, Instagram®, we will *NOT* promote Run Gum!
First-placers, mid-packers, sweepers, we want to hear all the tales: heroism, zeroism, and everything in between. And as you see below, your submission can be as brief, or *long* as you’d like!
Are you racing this September? Probably! Here’s an incomplete list of “races” I accept:
- Real races! (road, track, trail, relays, obstacle courses, chasing that teen around the track after his friend Todd dared you to race him)
- Not really races(?) (stair climbs for cancer research, color runs, certain Mario Kart levels)
- Strava CRs! (no bikes)
- Strava CR attempts! (definitely no bikes)
- Beer Miles (5% abv or even PBR beer miles!)
- Beer ultras
Let’s hand it off to SEPTEMBER 2018’s CAVALCADE OF BOSS HOSSES!
🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻
Aaron Roche, SRC XC Yearbook Editor
Member #: 1960
Race name: PLU Invitational
When was this race? 15 September 2018
How did you place?! SRC ***A-TEAM*** displacer
Race website: golutes.com
*Your* website URL: rocheam.com/move
Race report:
Cross country team season opener. 4 loops, 8 kilometers, and 12-14 years in the bank against the college-aged lads. XC IS BACK BAY-BEE!
Highlights:
– Watching the exuberant youths sprint the first 400m like they were back in middle school.
– Catching up to and then passing some surfer bro from Pacific U. in Oregon who ***LOST HIS G.D. SHOES*** somewhere on the course.
– Hearing words of encouragement from the many spectators and teammates lining the course.
– Hearing words of intimidation from the many washed-up coaches lining the course. For example, one coach, clutching his clipboard and doing math in his head to determine how many points his team was losing to a group of post-post-post-collegiate hobby-joggers, calling out instructions to his runners, “I need you to pick it up for four strides right now up this hill and catch that group!! LET’S GO!!”
– For realsies, ***A DUDE LOST HIS M-F’in SHOES*** and tried to hang on to our ~blistering middle-of-the-pack pace.
Did iRunFar interview you before or after the race?: No
Race image(s):
Shoeless Joe Sez!
“Catching up to and then passing some surfer bro from Pacific U. in Oregon who ***LOST HIS G.D. SHOES*** somewhere on the course.”
Did you happen to get his email or ICQ # that day? Shoeless Joe would love nothing more than to interview Shoeless Bro and commiserate about society’s tendency to, like you did above, MOCK US for choosing to use the tools God-bro gave us.
“…one coach, clutching his clipboard and doing math in his head to determine how many points his team was losing to a group of post-post-post-collegiate hobby-joggers, calling out instructions to his runners, ‘I need you to pick it up for four strides right now up this hill and catch that group!! LET’S GO!!'”
Maybe this was Shoeless Bro’s coach? Maybe Shoeless Bro misheard him and kicked off his shoes and ended up losing ground to an aging sack of excrement (no offense, Aaron)? Cause in XC, you *never* disobey anyone holding a clipboard. We need to know! Find me Shoeless Bro’s LiveJournal so I can investigate this issue the way only I know how!
Also, just try to imagine how happy and satisfied this coach’s wife is at home.
“For realsies, ***A DUDE LOST HIS M-F’in SHOES*** and tried to hang on to our ~blistering middle-of-the-pack pace”
Maybe it was by design? Maybe he got stung by a bee and had to slow the pace? Maybe he *let* you win? We’ll never know unless I get this guys’s AIM handle and conduct the interview this region deserves!
JOE-BRO 2018!!
Shad Birkholz
Member #: 1845
Race name: Montana Half-marathon
When was this race? 16 Sep 2018
How did you place?! 4th overall
Race website: Results
Race report:
Not even close to a PR. Didn’t get in a good pace the whole race lol
Did iRunFar interview you before or after the race?: No
Shoeless Joe Sez!
“Not even close to a PR.”
Well, unless you’re Evan Williams…or one of his brothers…or hell, probably also his cousins too, most races shouldn’t be PRs, right?
“Didn’t get in a good pace the whole race”
This will come with age, Shad, don’t worry! I’m 38 and every race goes about as well as is possible given my cratering physiological health. You, being only (squints at results page)…….41 years old. Err, yeah nevermind.
“lol”
That’s the spirit!
Martin Criminale
Member #: 1348
Race name: Pine To Palm 100 Mile Endurance Run
When was this race? September 8 2018
How did you place?! I won my age group
Race website: roguevalleyrunners.com/pine-to-palm
*Your* website URL: martin.criminale.com
Race report:
I ran this race in 2016 and had a painful/27.5 hour experience. Ever since then I have wanted to try it again and get it “right”. My goal going in was sub-24 hours which I achieved running 23:17. Better pacing, planning and weather all played a part. It was super cool to finish in the dark, just like the elite runners. Hal Koerner has a million dollar smile, you can see it in the finish line picture. And he knows how to design an interesting course. This course is point-to-point, awesome.
Did iRunFar interview you before or after the race?: No
Race image(s):
Shoeless Joe Sez!
“It was super cool to finish in the dark, just like the elite runners.”
Oooh, did I hear someone say “elite”?? I assume then irunfar was there?
Did iRunFar interview you before or after the race?: “No”
Boooooooo
“Hal Koerner has a million dollar smile”
“Hal Koerner has a million dollar smile”
Wait, what?
Ariel Taylor
Member #: 2075
Race name: Beat the Blerch Marathon
When was this race? 9/15/2018
How did you place?! I won
Race website: beattheblerch.com
*Your* website URL: HA!
Race report:
It was my first marathon! And I’m a new src member! And I guess I won?!?! A giant marshmallow Blerch monster chased me the final mile of the course telling me to slow the eff down, which was super great for the psyche. Also super bummer–all the delicious cake that was promised to me at the finish line had been eaten by the 5/10k and half marathon runners. I guess that’s the perils of being a marathon runner…
Did iRunFar interview you before or after the race?: No
Race image(s):
Shoeless Joe Sez!
“I’m a new src member!”
Can I use this as evidence of my member recruitment in my civil suit against the President of this club who wants me to stop making these posts because he’s a Nick Symmonds fanboy who thinks I’m being too sarcastic in my NO RUN GUM policy?
“Also super bummer–all the delicious cake that was promised to me at the finish line had been eaten by the 5/10k and half marathon runners. I guess that’s the perils of being a marathon runner…”
Oh yeah, welcome to marathoning! Talk about blisters and 20 milers and splits and BQs and nipple chafing and crotch chafing and armpit chafing and ass chafing and thigh chafing and having no friends all you want, the true pain of this sport is getting screwed over by the shorter-distance people, leaving you with nothing but plain milk and fruit cups after you’ve plowed through 3000 calories. I hate all 10k runners.
“Big” Joe Creighton
Member #: 1049
Race name: PLU Invite
When was this race? 3rd Saturday of September 2018
How did you place?! I beat some 21 year olds?
*Your* website URL: www.boyz.exposed
Race report:
Originally the plan was to run this race purely as a gag and spend the entire 8 kilometers talking trash to as many man-bun’d college boys as possible and see if I could goad any of them into a fight and hopefully get them kicked off their team. To be honest the goal was to get 3 guys expelled from their schools. I didn’t care which schools, I just wanted at least 3 guys packing up their Pam Anderson posters into their duffel bags in the dorms later that day, going home to mom & dad cause they tried to punch a 38 year-old during their small-fry Div 3-NAIA-III Level 4a XC competition.
This plan sadly did not come to fruition. By the time I was to unleash the savage heckling I’d formed in my head whilst scanning the start-line, I was so out of breath that all ability to speak coherently was lost. Around 5k, I remember telling a specific man-bun that “your coif reminds me of a hairstyle I last saw on my aunt’s friend Donna so I’m gonna call YOU Donna now” and all he said was “what?” and slowly ran away from me. In his defense, I struggled so much to execute that roast that I barely understood what I was saying myself.
Another guy passed me around 6k and I, if I say so myself, remarked cleverly about the lack of definition in his calves, but he just looked back to me and went “huh?” but when I tried to repeat the ruthless zinger, it only came out “your calves are (pant) thin” and he just ran away shaking his head. I then started to feel bad; maybe his friends tell him that all the time 🙁 I mean, it’s not HIS fault his calves were shapeless and soft-looking.
The guilt stopped me from singling out any more guys, so instead I just focused on all the women teammates these guys seemed to have cheering for them and heckled them instead, reminding them that “hey #NotAllMen are named ‘Bryce’ honey.” Their confused faces proved I’d given them something to think about.
I ran 27:27 and finished….I don’t know what place. Definitely top-3 in the “looks like he’s probably into Steely Dan” category. I learned a lot of lessons that day though. Don’t be an asshole during races, don’t skip leg day, and while random Tacoma gas stations have the best energy drinks, they don’t accept checks.
Did iRunFar interview you before or after the race?: No
Race image(s): 
Shoeless Joe Sez!
