Once a month (lol) we’d like to showcase the races for members courageous enough to spend a few minutes filling out a Google Form, and until we get that sick shout-out from the CEO himself on Twitter or, preferably, Instagram®, we will *NOT* promote Run Gum!
Winners, losers, and everyone in between (even you Masters runners!), I wanna hear your tales! Your submission can be as brief, or *long* as you’d like! Better believe I’m deleting any references to Run Gum though!
Are you racing in July? Cougar? Maybe you ran in a town called Carlation and won a pie? Or you ran next to someone who won a pie? Maybe you set a personal 400m record running away from an angry crow mother? Here’s an incomplete list of “races” I accept:
- Real races! (road, track, trail, relays, obstacle courses, chasing that teen around the track after his friend Todd dared you to race him)
- Not really races(?) (stair climbs for cancer research, color runs, certain Mario Kart levels)
- Strava CRs! (no bikes)
- Strava CR attempts! (definitely no bikes)
- Short distance personal records running away from dive-bombing crows
In order to increase the rate of submissions from its current rate of 0.3 per month, I’d like to offer the following perks to reporters!*
- I’ll go with you to the nearest QFC and buy you a 6 pack of Leinenkugel.
- I’ll go with you to the nearest QFC and you can see what happens when I offer to buy a random #teen a 6 pack of Leinenkugel.
- We’ll go to the nearest Target and I’ll ask the nearest non-male cashier if they have “condoms for virgins” and if so “I’ll buy 3.”
- I’ll email Ginger Runner over and over until he agrees to check out my Pliny The Elder bottle collection and do a Shoeless Joe interview.
- I’ll race in my favorite Big Dogs shirt at whatever the next Rainshadow Running race I’m allowed to enter the lottery for.
*Perks will not be honored
Let’s hand it off to JUNE 2019’s kind sir whose report reads like he composed it during his (spoiler alert) mile 7 poo break!
🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻
Paul Young
Member #: 1824
Race name: Grandma’s Marathon
When was this race? 6/22/2019
How did you place?! Who cares?
Race website: grandmasmarathon.com
*Your* website URL: paulheartsdolphins
Race report:
This was my second time running Grandma’s Marathon. It’s in Duluth, Minnesota, which is upcountry Minnesota. I think Duluth is Anglo for Grandma??? It sounds like doula. Which reminds me of Paula Abdul. Um, oh the race. Well, I ran pretty poorly in my first attempt (2:55), but it was a fun time after the race in what was known as the “tents,” where all the upcountry folk and hill people come to town and jive. Anyway, I’ve been “training” at altitude so I thought I could come back to this race and find some redemption and run sub-2:40, that was my A GOAL. The B goal was to finish without projectile vomiting right before the finish like last time…unless I was close enough to the line to get it on video. Yeah, this race has cameras from the left, right, and center as you cross the finish line. I really appreciate this about the race.
Anyway, the race itself was pretty good. I ran 2:36 and 34 seconds. That’s about 6 minute pace. I went out a bit faster though, 5:50s because I knew I needed to bank some time for bathroom breaks. I took a wee leak at mile 2 and then a quick squat at mile 7. Nothing else eventful happened as it was a road race, point-to-point, net elevation loss (ie no elevation), aided by a massive tailwind. I think a headwind would have been better as it was a bit warm (60s? that’s hot for Duluth). For reference I got 138th place, but 8 of those were women. Also, I didn’t wear the 4%.
Did iRunFar interview you before or after the race?: No
Race image(s):
Shoeless Joe Sez!
“This was my second time running Grandma’s Marathon.”
Weird flex, but ok, continue.
“It’s in Duluth, Minnesota, which is upcountry Minnesota.”
I admit my SAT geography score wasn’t great, but when did Minnesota become a country? Is this like the Alaska or Texas or Utah thing where the state that no one likes acts all put out and continually threatens to secede from the rest of us and use dogecoin as a currency and start their *own* Ninja Warrior franchise? I only know one guy from Minnesota but I don’t speak to him anymore and I don’t care to end the feud just to ask him to clarify this for me (screw you, Patrick!).
“I think Duluth is Anglo for Grandma??? It sounds like doula. Which reminds me of Paula Abdul.”
I Bing’d “thing’s to do in duluth” and the #2 result was “ride a Lime Bike to Wisconsin.” Which reminds me to remind you all that I went to same high school as Aaron Rodgers and I know a couple guys who know his brother.
“Um, oh the race.”
“Anyway, the race itself was pretty good. I ran 2:36 and 34 seconds.”
“That’s about 6 minute pace.”
“…aided by a massive tailwind. I think a headwind would have been better as it was a bit warm.”
Uh huh. Nothing farts up a marathon performance than one of those annoying tailwinds. Turn that wind around and you def woulda been 2:2x!
For real though Paulie, that’s a helluva performance….writing this race report! And your marathon result is one to be proud of as well! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go fall into a Paula Abdul music video wormhole and pretend I’m Keanu Reeves.
